Uncle Paul's Parodies

By Uncle Paul Parodies

In a brilliant display of entrepreneurial statecraft, the Best-Selling Author of Trump: The Art of the Deal, and second-term U.S. President Donald Trump successfully brought to conclusion the stalled peace efforts in two separate international theatres of war. He did so by combining them into a single unified and mutually beneficial land-swap!

While the specific details of the deal remain sketchy, the White House assures the world that it is one that is agreeable to the Ukrainians, Russians, Israelis, and Palestinians alike – A “Win-Win-Win-Win,” as Trump is touting it.

What is known, however, is that in exchange for Russian keeping the Ukrainian territory under its military control as of March 7, 2025 (see Figure 1 above), Ukraine will receive from Israel, the Palestinian occupied territories of the West Bank (excluding Jerusalem) and the Gaza Strip, (see Figure 1 above).

In exchange for the West Bank and Gaza, Ukraine will provide for the national security of the Palestinians, while also cooperating with Israel to provide for the mutual security along the shared Palestinian and Israeli borders.

In exchange for turning over its land, autonomy, and national security to Ukraine, the Palestinians are freed from their Hamas and Israeli overlords, and from having to keep up the pretense that there ever existed a country named Palestine. In addition, they receive all the borscht they can eat.

In exchange for any claim to the West Bank and Gaza it has, Israel, for its part, will be freed from always having to sleep with one eye open, will receive free-stays and beach privileges at the Trump Gaz-a-Lago Beach and Resort during the month of August, and all the left-over borscht the Palestinians are unable to eat.

In exchange for giving up its dictatorial authority over Palestinians, Iran, under the guise of its state-sponsored puppet terrorist groups Hamas and Hezbollah, get to carry cellphones and beepers without the constant worry that they may suddenly blow-up in their pockets.

Russia, in exchange for pulling all its Russian and North Korean troops out of Ukraine, except for the area it militarily controls as of March 7, 2025 (see Figure 1), and for promising to never again wage an unprovoked war of aggression against Ukraine, gets off scot-free and without having to admit it was wrong. It will, however, no longer receive all the borscht it can eat.

The United States, in exchange for negotiating a peace deal that gives to Russia what it does not own, and to Ukraine what it does not own, receives from Ukraine, in the form of rare earth and minerals, repayment of moneys given to it towards its war efforts. Still on the table is a potential deal on borscht, to be worked out later. The U.S. will also receive Greenland, and the Panama Canal, which it does not own, or no-longer owns, respectively, in exchange for continuing to disproportionately fund the United Nation and NATO, (see Figure 2 below).